My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
