you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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