Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Randomize
