I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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