At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
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