So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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