Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
