your parents love me but you hate me
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Betty ford says i'm here all night
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
