So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
