she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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