A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
