He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
