i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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