The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
