i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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