my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Randomize
