Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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