remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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