I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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