If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I love you. Go after that dick
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
