the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
