Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
