He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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