Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
