I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I need to stop coming to work sober
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
