My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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