I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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