I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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