I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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