I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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