if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
