There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
