my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I'm both gender and math confused
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
