I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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