Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize