A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
