Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
