i don't like sucking hair
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
