Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
