It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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