This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
