i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
