piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
