She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
