It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
