He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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