If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
