I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
