The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
