just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
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