just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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