god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
