its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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