Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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