the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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