Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize